So Anxious About This Grad School Thing.

THIS.IS.ME.BEING.REAL. Bear with me.  (LONG VENT POST)

I feel like the devil got me wrapped around fear when I think about finishing up my thesis and defending it so I can graduate. I mean, goodness, it is the ONLY thing left I need to do. I guess what is big on my mind is how I got terminated after all these years because I couldn't get my financial aid cleared in time for the fall semester.  As a result of not being continuously registered in school, my graduate status has been dropped.  So disheartening. It was very hard for me to juggle everything over the summer with Zakiah being so young and me being a new parent and not having family close by. But anyway, I need to reapply for grad school, which is what I must get done very soon in order to meet the deadline this month.

Another thing that makes me anxious about grad school is that I disappointed my advisers time and time again.  Trust me. I have not been the ideal grad student by far.  If you looked at the Kristal in biomedical engineering in undergrad and the Kristal in biomedical engineering in grad school, you would be rest assured that I transformed into two different people.  I graduated in honors in undergrad with a great gpa and high expectations.  Now (although I have been done with my classes on time in 2007), I am barely making over a 3.0.  Grad school has been so grueling for me.  It was as if I lost my passion for biomedical engineering.  I didn't have much guidance at all and didn't know what direction I wanted to take (and still not sure now).  I felt like grad school just made me even more confused about my career path.  I guess that's why I haven't been so dedicated to my degree, dedicated to my research (which took way TOO long to complete), dedicated to my advisors, and dedicated to GOD (who has allowed me to be in grad school when so many can't).  Now I feel like I must tough it out just to get done with this degree so I can stop having it hang over my head and cause me grief.

I am nervous about reapplying because it has been a long time since I talked to my advisors.  At this point, they probably don't even think of me or care about how I am doing.  They are probably disappointed by my extended leave of absence without giving them any heads up, which is understandable because I have been irresponsible with my communication.  I guess it's because I was afraid of what they would think of me being unmarried, pregnant (then) and with child now, and still in school. Right now, I don't know how to confront them because of the fear of being judged especially since these are the people who have to sit and listen to me defend my thesis for an hour or so (which makes me CRINGE because I do not like presenting especially since my degree depends on it) and drill me with questions that I feel might cause me to stumble.  Me and one of my advisors already had some miscommunication issues which caused drama. And now we haven't spoken for a very long time. I don't even know what to say to him. UGH. God, I am in such a mess.

Being in this situation breaks my heart because it honestly have made me less confident about having a promising career in engineering.  I am drowning in debt and I have a beautiful girl to take care of.  I have applied to research and lab jobs that I feel like I could have gotten but believe that me not completing my degree is hindering me from getting at least one interview.

Right now, I just want to break down and cry. Here Josh is working during the day and at school during the night and trying to support us the best way he can.  He truly wants to finish school but is so drained from the demands of his job.  I am sitting here knowing I can potentially be bringing in at least 60,000 a year if I just get myself together. I mean HELLO!

This is my first time REALLY putting my thoughts and feelings about what is going on personally outside of the trials and joys of raising Zakiah out on my blog.  I need some encouragement and prayers. Please. The newness of being a first time mom has dwindled away and I need to move forward with my life outside of motherhood.  In the Bible, they say nothing is new underneath the sun.

Why do I feel like I am the only one who has gone through what I have gone through and still going through right now?

I know. Because the devil makes it SEEM that way.  I need to get it stuck in my heart that the devil is a liar.  God has a great track record of bringing people out of some pretty grim situations. I just need to go by faith that God is true to Romans 2:28 and not depend on how bad I see my situation.  There is good in every situation.  When I can't see it, it is because I allowed the devil to blind my spiritual sight. It is sad because he has blinded me for a long time with the grad school situation.

I need to change my perspective because if I don't make moves towards God's Will, then I deny God from doing amazing works through me. He might have plans for me to be this great biomedical engineer while I am sitting here doubting myself and Him.  I am tired of grieving God because I don't trust Him like I should to bring me through school.  He brought me too far to leave me now. I need to stop acting like He has left me. He loves me more than I can ever love myself. He continues to bless me even when I have drifted off like the prodigal son. He is waiting for me to return to Him. He has a celebration waiting for me.  I just need to return back to Him.

O.M.G (goodness). God loves ME that much! I am feeling better already. Thank You, Father for just being AWESOME and PATIENT when you could have just wiped my life away in a snap because I don't deserve to be here today. No one does.  It is because of Your Grace and Mercy that we all are here at this moment. Thank You again because I can't say it enough!  Thank You, Jesus for dying on the cross so that MY sins can be washed away, and I can have the hope for eternal life.  Thank You Lord for being that mediator so I can talk to our Father.  Thank You, Holy Spirit for being the best comforter ever and speaking through me and to me.  You are the One helping me get through my carnal fears and thoughts. What a breath of fresh air!

Sorry for sounding all ramble but this is how I try to sort through my feelings, which are hardly straightforward. I can start writing one thought and then all of a sudden another thought pops up and I proceed with that one. It may sound like I am replying to some of my own questions, fears, doubts, and concerns but I must do whatever it takes to get my focus back on God and not on my circumstances surrounding me (which I do often). I need to remember that life on this crazy world is temporary (thank Goodness), but I must complete what God has started in me so He can be pleased and receive the glory.

Aw, I am SO glad that when I am feeling down, I can sit down with my thoughts and rationalize through them spiritually to encourage myself.  I need to do this more often. There is so much I can bottle inside. This stuff bottled inside is JUNK and it is unhealthy.  I am working on getting rid of it because input determines output.  I surely don't want anything negative to come out of me because it can affect the people around me who loves me.

Ok.  A lot said in this post. I can definitely tell that my mood has changed from a negative one in the beginning of this post to a more positive one near the end. I am going to stop, however, because I have things I need to get done for God. I need to live up to my name and work towards being a good steward for God.  If you can't relate to what I talked about in this post, that's ok.  It was meant for me to vent and to ask for prayers of encouragement. I am definitely a work in progress. Under construction. I hope to read back on this months from now and praise God for bringing so much farther than where I am right now.

Thanks for reading this far!

Zakiah is doing great by the way.  She has figured out how to move forward now so she is basically on the go in her own creeping way!  She has also figured out how push herself backwards in the walker.  She is learning so fast. Gosh, I love this girl!  Thank You God for her!

Be blessed and include God in EVERY situation.  Put Him first as a matter of fact!  He is the best way to go into any trial and tribulation.  To all the single moms and dads, keep your heads up! It is hard for me with a partner by my side so I can only imagine how hard things can get sometimes without the other parent around. But no matter what, everything will work out just fine (more than fine according to Eph 3:20) for those who love God (Romans 8:28).