I am at a blah as to what to talk about. It is funny how I think of so many things to blog about when I am NOT at the computer, but when I get to the computer, my thoughts are just jumble mumble (lol).
Zakiah is beautiful as usual. I thank God for her. Although it is so hard, I would not trade it for the world. No, I may not be finished with graduate school, no, I may not have a job, no, I am not married (yet), no, I don't know how my future will shape up. But I do know that someway, somehow, God has been providing our way through all our craziness. I truly give Him all the glory because I am not where I am without His grace and mercy. Thank you, Father, because it could be SO much worse than what it is. I am truly thankful.
I am at a standstill with what I really want to do career wise. Regardless, I must finish up my thesis so I can defend this thing and get done with this school business. I been in graduate school way too long and wasted enough money on school to give up now. It is how the saying goes...God has brought me too far to leave me now. Ugh, God, please give me that boost of energy I need to push through and get things done. I have to...for Zakiah's sake also. I have this beautiful gift God has given me the responsibility to take care of. She is a motivation to me. She makes me want to do better things. Things will get better! I trust God. I read in my copy of "Power for Today" how a young boy told his mom that God trusted us first to trust Him. Now that is deep. God trusts me? Wow, it really shows that God loves His children that much! I guess it is the same between me and Zakiah. I trust her first to trust me because I love her so much.
Becoming a mother has really opened my eyes to how great God's love is for me. Thank you!
I caved in this morning and brought Zakiah to bed with me when she began fussing around 5am. Usually, either Josh or I would calm her down, which sometimes can take up to one hour to accomplish. I was not in the mood to hear her fuss and cry plus I was longing for her to sleep in bed with me for a while. Sometimes I ponder with the idea of whether to co-sleep or continue to let her sleep in her bassinet, which is too small for her now. I need to call my dad to see if the crib will be ready to be brought up from SC this weekend when my parents come up. Anyway, it felt so great to have her so close to me. I didn't mind that she was nipping away at my breast til she fell asleep. Tears are in my eyes right now because there will eventually come that day when she will no longer be breastfed. I think I am going to really miss it when it is all said and done. It is amazing what a woman's body can do. For almost 4 months, Zakiah's nourishment came from me and me only. This is so remarkable! She looks and depends on me to feed her ever growing little body. Nothing but smiles coming from me as I think about that statement!
Ugh, I really have to get my life together. I want the best for Zakiah. I don't want her to see momma struggling. I don't ever want her to wonder if she will have food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over her head. Kristal, get it together. I can't speak for Josh because he is his own person but I do hope that as Zakiah's parents, we can get what we need done done so we can provide a secure future for Zakiah (with God's help, of course!).
I still have a lot on my mind, but I think I am going to stop here. I have some things I want to get done before Zakiah wakes up from her nap. Or maybe I will take a power nap. Seems like there is not enough time in the day, but then it seems like I waste some precious hours during the day not doing enough productive activities. Thank God I am under construction. That means God is still working on building me up to be a stronger, wiser, and more faithful Christian servant.
If this post seems like a ramble, my apologies. Well, scratch that. I am not apologizing. This is my blog and these are my thoughts as they come to my head.